Gentleman

Dear Sir,

I won’t ask how you are, though I hope you are in good health. I won’t ask for a direct response after so many years; I am asking you to please forgive me.

My teenage relationship with you was a dream come true and I ran away and hurt you and I am sorry; please forgive me.

I’m afraid I entered my teenage years with my second kiss and first sexual assault upon which I froze and then ran away. I repeated that cycle for a decade. I told myself I deserved it.

So when you were my perfect gentleman I allowed myself to hope and aim for my happily ever after for a while. But soon some people teased me for liking you and I froze. I didn’t stick up for you. I was used to not sticking up for myself and later running away to tell myself I deserved it. But I couldn’t look at myself for not sticking up for you. I felt I had to run away from you so that I could avoid dragging you into my world.

A year later I was raped.

I know that, had I been strong enough to break the negative cycle I was caught up in, you would have helped me. Or if I had been brave enough to ask you for help you would have helped me. Or, even if I had simply talked to you, you may well have offered to help me. I thank you for that.

Over a decade later I am healing, gaining perspective, and letting go, and I am concerned about the pain and damage I caused you. Please forgive me.

With sincere best regards,

Maria

Inappropriate

He shook his head when I mentioned it.

So he knew it was inappropriate, then?

Why doesn’t that recognition give me peace?

He shook his head to deny it.

I am still conflicted between wanting recognition

And wanting to believe he always meant well –

That he would never do anything inappropriate.

She nodded her being when she agreed with me.

“I think that was inappropriate,” she said.

“So do I,” I gushed, relieved, grateful.

“It’s not surprising you were confused,” she told me

A line it seemed she’d said to girls before.

I can smile and sit still.

I can let go of that anxiety.

I don’t care what he thinks.

I know.

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